Friday, February 04, 2005

I'm Back

...and I think I'm changed.

I'm looking at my little life here and thinking how unimportant it all is. I mean stuff like my computer and just......stuff.

I want to clean my life out.

I want to start over.

I'm absolutely terrified what this will mean.

And there's no one here any more to call me "Peanut." No one but Dad was allowed to call me that.

Not even Mom calls me that. Joe doesn't call me that. Dann didn't call me that.

That was strictly Dad's nickname for me. Now he's taken it to his grave...

...which is actually his favorite fishing hole in SC. We had him cremated and released his ashes to Mother Ocean.

I read the 23rd Psalm over him. He'd read it for Grandma Katie. So I read it for him.

I'm so glad I have these pictures. I also have the flag that was over my grandfather's coffin at his burial; he had a military funeral, as he was a Navy officer.

But I feel like my whole perspective is different now. I feel like Melissa Etheridge...that is to say, "I will never be the same."

*sigh*

I don't know how "normal" my life will be from here on out. I guess I can try to get back into the normal swing of things...but I feel like some support was taken out from under me.

Pray for me. I'll need it. I guess I was more of a daddy's girl than I realized.

I'm sorry I didn't get to see him one more time, yet...my memories that I have of Dad are of him as a strong, healthy man. Not as an aging, weakening man.

I was shocked when I saw the condition of his bathroom. Absolutely beyond unsanitary. Apparently the kidneys were really going bad. And other things too.

Good thing I had industrial strength cleaner with me.

I almost feel hopeless, that I'll never have a home now. I've lost that. I can't keep that house up there.

I need to calm down and get some rest. Although I'm really amazed at myself; I drove 6 hours straight and made it just fine.

Not bad. And I get GREAT highway mileage on my car.

I must get to sleep. Maybe more tomorrow.

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