Saturday, February 19, 2005

REALLY UPSET about this

Mom is still in denial, it seems.

She just will not take responsibility for the way her choices have had a negative impact upon my life.

I talked to her on the phone yesterday, and I commented that I was feeling VERY pressured by her into taking the Beaufort, SC property -- and that if I did not, she'd never let me live it down. And she'd treat me like I was so stupid for letting it go.

There are reasons why I think I can't keep that property.

I told Mom that I was feeling like I should take it just because she basically has tried to push very hard for me to do it.

She didn't want that...she said I should do what I want to do.

I said, "Mom, I've never done anything in life that I have WANTED to do. I've always gone along with what other people want me to do, just to keep the peace."

She said, "You went to Florida because you wanted to be with Dann, right?"

I grudgingly agreed - and here's why it was grudging agreement.

I REALLY went to Florida to get away from her and Denny and their drinking. I did it because I did not want to live with them because I felt unsafe in their household.

My father lived in Baltimore at the time, and he'd already shown a complete lack of respect for my privacy by reading my diaries to my mother on the phone when I was 16. That's a serious breach that I didn't want to subject myself to again.

If Mom hadn't divorced Dad -- if my parents had just done whatever it took to JUST FUCKING STAY MARRIED and provide a normal home for me LIKE OTHER KIDS HAD -- then maybe I would NOT be in Florida right screaming now, struggling like I am!

Mom didn't divorce Dad because he was abusive or whatever. She divorced him because....she just didn't love him any more. There were a lot of reasons for that, one of them being Dad's tendency to allow the Holladays to dominate their life. For example, Dad's aunt Mary owned the house we lived in, on South Springwood Drive in Silver Spring. Mom wanted to buy it. Mary wouldn't sell. Mom then wanted to look for a home to buy, but Dad wouldn't move out of the South Springwood Drive house. Mary assumed a level of control over our lives that she thought she was entitled to because she owned that house. Whenever she was in town and would come to see us, Mary went through our mail. She would stay with her sister Martha, who lived across the street from us, and watch from Martha's dining room window everything that went on in our house. Every day when I'd go out to school, she'd meet me at the end of the walk and do a 20 Questions thing about my life, our lives, etc.

THIS is why I NEVER want to live in the house in Bithlo that Joe's friends Sue and Lucky own. Sue is Joe's ex girlfriend. I don't want her having control over our lives in this way.

Anyway, there were a lot of factors that went into my mother's decision to leave. Father had a habit of writing checks to buy things like records, but not entering it into the check register and not telling her about it -- so when she was trying to balance the checkbook and pay bills, she was wondering why the figures weren't coming out right.

She would then go look in the record collection a few days later and find a new album. Oh, so that's where the money went. Instead of paying bills or buying groceries, he bought a new album. And didn't tell her about it, didn't consult her, didn't make sure there was money to cover everything...just did it.

That sort of thing.

So they wound up divorcing...which I suppose in and of itself wouldn't have been a problem if either of them had married again, and married decent people.

Dad never remarried.

Mom married a redneck she met in a bar who would get drunk, stay out late, she'd be at home drinking her sorrows away....and he'd come home drunk and once with a venereal disease from some whore he'd schtupped (and didn't even know her name)....and one time he came home late and I was there (unbeknownst to him) and he thought I was Mom, asleep in the front bedroom (as she sometimes did when she was mad at him) and he crawled into bed with me and began molesting me.

I had to wiggle out of that one and wake Mom up to get him out of my bed.

Then there was the time I'd gone over there for dinner, and was leaving to go to Dann's house. Mom wanted Denny to walk me to my car. I didn't want him to, because they were both drunk (but at least this time it was a happy drunk). He wanted to kiss me goodbye at my car -- and he attempted to slip some tongue in there.

Then there was the time both he and Mom had been out somewhere, I was in their apartment, and Mom had walked to the back bathroom to use it. Denny wanted to hug me goodnight, and as he was hugging me, he squeezed my ass and started probing my girl parts (over my pants of course) with his fingers while hugging me. Naturally he was drunk again.

DOESN'T ANYONE THINK THIS GETS A LITTLE TIRESOME AFTER A WHILE????

If it was only the one time he'd made the mistake, when he didn't realize I was there because I'd just come in from being out of town all week and when I'd arrived he was out drinking with his buddies (of course, what he was doing out with them when he had a wife at home I don't know), that'd be one thing.

BUT IT WASN'T JUST ONCE!!!

And not even Mom is willing to admit this. I have told her about these occasions. I think she's in such shock that her brain just blacks out the memory of the other occasions I have described above, and she just refuses to own up to the fact that she married a man I felt NO safety around at all!

AND THAT'S WHY I WENT TO FLORIDA!!!!!

And that's why for the longest time I REFUSED to put alcohol to my lips. And I didn't want to date anyone who drank even socially. I wanted a teetoaller boyfriend.

Because I can't trust someone who leaves their self-control in the hands of their good buddy Jack Daniels.

I love Mom dearly, but there are times when she's just SO DAMN STUPID about this kind of thing.

Why didn't she just tell Denny "NO MORE DRINKING" a long time ago?

Why NOT ban alcohol? Because SHE wanted it.

I guess IT was more important than having ME around, and providing a safe, secure home for her kid.

As long as there was drinking going on, I was NOT going to live in that house.

This was determined one night in January of 1990. Mom and I got into a physical brawl over something....she was drunk, she was singing loudly and poorly, keeping me up, and I was getting so sick of ALL of this drunken bullshit I'd had to live with for two years, since graduating high school in 1988 and attending Montgomery College. I just could NOT TAKE ANY MORE. Why couldn't she have just SHUT THE FUCK UP and gone to bed at a normal hour like normal parents do? Noooooooooooooooooooo, she couldn't do that. She had to be up, on the phone, singing songs, drinking and drinking and drinking. I saw her drink for 15 hours straight one night, and then drive Denny to work the next morning!! She cleaned out a WHOLE CASE of beer! When I told Dad that, he was shocked. He'd never seen ANYONE polish off an entire CASE of beer in one night.

Anyway, Mom and I got into a fight, and I called Dad at 2am screaming, "Mom's beating me!" into the phone. Dad lived just over half an hour away, but inside of about 20 minutes he was there with two cops in tow to get me out of that apartment.

Way to go, Dad. On THAT count, you did so right. I'll never forget that. Never.

I went to his house in Baltimore that night to spend the night there. But because I was a student in Montgomery County, I could not live in Baltimore County and receive the financial aid I was getting to continue my classes there.

So I went to stay with Dann.

BUT IF MOM HAD JUST NOT MARRIED A FUCKING WEST BY GOD VIRGINIA HILLBILLY -- IF SHE'D JUST MARRIED SOMEONE WHO HAD SOME SENSE AND COULD BE A DECENT HUSBAND -- IT'S STILL POSSIBLE I WOULD NEVER HAVE COME TO FLORIDA!!! I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO RUN FROM THEIR HOUSE TO PRESERVE MY ASS!!!

A long time ago, when I still lived with Dann, I'd sent her a letter telling her about all this. But she STILL chooses to ignore it.

She won't listen to me.

Mom doesn't listen to her own kid.

She just thinks I am in Florida because Dann came here. Well, Dann and I broke up in 1996. I could have gone back to Maryland.

But I didn't. Why?

THE DRINKING!

I knew they were not capable of having a child in their household, even an adult child. Life would be MISERABLE for me. And I didn't go back to my dad's in Baltimore because I couldn't trust HIM either. I could just see him going through my things while I was out of the house.

Dad never owned up to reading my diaries to Mom over the phone. I never told him I knew about that.

WHY COULDN'T MY PARENTS HAVE JUST BEEN NORMAL PARENTS???? THEY FUCKED UP MY LIFE!!! BECAUSE OF THEM I WAS UNABLE TO GET THE COLLEGE EDUCATION I NEEDED TO SURVIVE IN THIS WORLD! BECAUSE OF THEM I HAVE TO STRUGGLE TODAY!!

When is at least Mom going to own up to the way her choices have fucked up my life???

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